Managing Our Expectations: Over and Over and Over...Again

Heading into winter break feels distinctly different this year. Usually, this is a time when families are getting ready to travel to near and far off places for a break from “real life” or to visit with loved ones who we have not seen for awhile. We create goals and expectations for what we want to accomplish over break and plans for how we will do just that. As in every other moment during these last nine months, we are heading into a strange version of a familiar moment in our lives with plans cast aside for a more “COVID-19” friendly one. 

During this winter break, some of us may still try to accomplish all of our original goals even though we cannot go to our far away places and visit with our loved ones as expected. Others may create something completely different. Regardless, we are forced to acknowledge our disappointment and that with every disappointment comes a cycle of grief for the loss of that thing we did not get to do or that person we did not get to see.

Adults have a habit of projecting our own sense of loss, disappointment, and worries onto our children. As parents/guardians, we must be careful of this habit because our children have already proven that they are resilient and more able to manage these moments without much fuss or fanfare. You might be thinking, “not my child” or “my child is having a really hard time getting past their disappointment." In order to clearly separate our own feelings, ask your child what they are feeling and validate their answer by reflecting it back to them. It will then be helpful to ask your child to share one new goal they have and their expectations for winter break. Without judgment, be a sounding board for your child as they take ownership in designing new ideas for how they will spend their time during these next ten days. Their ideas should fall within your family norms so that you can support them in reaching their new goals. 

If your child is managing this moment well, but you are still struggling, consider reflecting on what language or actions you might be using at home to share your own disappointment. If you find yourself dwelling on what could not happen, see if you can take a moment to pause, breathe, acknowledge your grief for a brief moment, and then identify one new thing for winter break to which you are looking forward. You can ask your child to help develop new goals and activities for winter break so that the whole family is part of the planning and expectation setting process. Working together can prevent potential power struggles because you worked as a team to design a new plan that meets the needs and goals of each member of the family. 

Part of the plan should include how you and your child will transition into winter break and out of winter break. It is important to acknowledge that each person deals with transitions differently and may need a different amount of time to “get into” break mode or “get into” school mode at the end of the break. Taking this into consideration will help ease these moments and maintain doable goals and realistic expectations. 

On a personal note, I am looking forward to seeing everyone in 2021 and wish us all a safe and healthy break and a new year full of good health, vaccinations, and new and even brighter expectations.